Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.