Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers