Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

crazy

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.