I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean