Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
SCARY COSTUME
we’re gonna need another temp
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
