Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
