Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Good morning.
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Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My Guy
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*