Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets