[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?