[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Lmao
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.