[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage