At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*