guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
They did not miss in the small print
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
aura
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.