Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

😭😭😭

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.