Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

I don’t think my car can fly

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

I’m Sold!

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Brilliant!

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.