Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.