Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.


“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”

That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.


You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach


My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.


Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.


My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling


Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.