@MrsTomServo

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

@sickipediabot

“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”

That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.

@gobmentcheese

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@UnFitz

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

@mela_shea

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

@lmegordon

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.