Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?