Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Got him!

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Simple

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

Going to church you guys need anything

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed