Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard