GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
oh my god
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
how much for the angry fruit?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*