I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
I: Your office will be next to mine.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.