GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.


Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.


My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.


I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?


Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.


Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow


I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…


Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.


History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.