GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally