Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Every damn time

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?