Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t come here to be called names

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

He is just living hist best little life 😊

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake