GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?