GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
thanks auntie mary
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.