me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out
hitman: is this ur garbage
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell
Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.