@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

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@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage

@Cheeseboy22

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

@Dustinkcouch

Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell

Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@Prince_Smarming

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

@spcycucumber

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.