Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best