Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.