Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.