Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.