Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

That time Alicia messaged me

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

*gets down on one knee*

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast