Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Help
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not