guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*