Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
You Might Also Like
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I already tried new things thanks.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!