[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea