Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.