Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
weird email i got today
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath