Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Cheer up.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.