Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either