Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?