Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

i want to work in this restaurant

⛄️

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.