guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work