Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

the world’s most popular steaming services

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

do u think theres a butter planet?

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

I’ve been lied to my entire life

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.