Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.