Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

What personal space?

My dog

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late