Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]