Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

ㅤ

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.