Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
edward fingerhands
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal