Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
But that’s none of my business
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao