Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks