Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
i wish i could marry a nap
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.