Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

Donating blood today to make room for more food

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I basically called this earlier today

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

My safe word is Worcestershire

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.