[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’m calling the cops.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”