Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.