Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom