Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

rebranding

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.