Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious