Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

This is what makes twitter great

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.