Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in

Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy