Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”