Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sunday
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.