GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.