My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum
ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?
GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?
ME: because i don’t have any money
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.