GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

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Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.


I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.


Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid


I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.


Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.


[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”


UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum


ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don’t have any money


hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol


When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.