GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this