@JudgmentalGay Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
@Brampersandon_ GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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@JudgmentalGay 
@Parkerlawyer I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
@ilovepie84 Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
@ilovepie84 I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
@mutedclamor Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
@daemonic3 [1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
@ThePoke UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum
@TheHyyyype ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?
GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?
ME: because i don’t have any money
@AudreyPorne hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
@_Water_Baby When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.