@Brampersandon_

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

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@Sassafrantz

Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@heyitsJudeD

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

@Cpin42

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@enigmaterics

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.

@RobbyActually

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

@ehdannyboy

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”