GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.