Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
my proudest tweet
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bless you
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?