Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.