Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?