Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Discuss

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?