GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Kermit goes Blue.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
BRO LMFAO
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*